How many times have you run through the house cleaning furiously ahead of the imminent arrival of a visitor? At least the rooms that they enter must be tolerably neat (if not clean), lest you be judged!

I remember, as a graduate student with two children under three, my house being a complete disaster. Only the bathroom and the front room were reasonably kept. There was absolutely no way for me to effectively manage two toddlers, write a dissertation, and keep a house tidy. I was determined to finish my dissertation. I refused to neglect the children. So the housekeeping would have to wait… indefinitely. You know what? It did. And it’s still right here waiting for me.

The main problem with housework is that it largely exists inside the private space of our homes and outside the public marketplace. Yet, we are compelled to do it. It’s supposed to get done but no one is supposed to notice us doing it. I call FOUL! Folks need to know who’s doing this work!

I’ve spent some time thinking about this matter. Here are 6 ways to make work at home more visible:

1. Pay attention: Getting value from any work starts by paying attention. Sure it’s a metaphor since no cash changes hands but as the old expression goes—time is money. Attention takes time. So, in effect, taking time to notice things costs you. But since you are already taking the time to do household chores without remuneration, why not clip a bit of that time off the chores to notice what that work entails?
2. Make a list: Write a list of the housework required to maintain your home. Go through every room and write down what needs to be done on a regular basis to keep that space. Don’t forget the yard and outside spaces. The list should state the task and who is performing it as well as how often and how long it takes. Then share the list with the family living there. Post it in a common area. Or share it electronically in a way that the list remains visible and can be kept up to date.
3. Don’t do it: This one might feel counterintuitive but sometimes the best way for something to be noticed is in its absence. Folks can take a clean bathroom or clean kitchen for granted. Even if the kitchen sink overflows with dirty dishes, I do not assume that it will disrupt everyone’s sensibilities. Many people seem perfectly at peace living in squaller. Or at least not disturbed enough by messiness to tend to the cleaning themselves. One of the most refreshing things a person overwhelmed by doing work for which they feel unappreciated is for them to experience the relief of not having to do it. So let go of the reins for a while, and don’t beat yourself up when you do. Kick back and let the dust be while you take a break. I assure you, the mop will be waiting for you regardless, even if someone else takes up the slack.
4. Find a middle ground: It doesn’t have to be all or none. Stick to the chores that give you the most benefit, whether that benefit comes in the form of personal satisfaction, practicality, or acknowledgement. Perhaps just do a few of the more critical chores, while allowing other tasks to suffer a bit of inattention.
5. Recognize the work done by others: Even if it feels like no one at home is doing any of the work but you, don’t do to others as has been done to you. Someone picked up a rake and piled the leaves. Someone put the fork in the sink, instead of in the garbage along with the paper plate. Someone may have even taken a load of clothes out of the washing machine without being reminded. Paying attention helps you to notice how often you look past other people’s invisible labor, too. Trust me, despite how it seems, it’s not just you.
6. Ask for help: I come from slaves. My parents were born in the Jim Crow South and they parented in that ol’ school Bill Cosby I-brought-you-into-this-world-I’ll-take-you-out style. My brothers and I did what we were told. Back then, we thought only white children got to ask Why? and if we dared ask, because I said so, was a completely adequate way to shut down further discussion. But this is a new generation, which calls for new strategies. My youngest son, in particular, is resistant to demands—he would have made an awful slave. Conversely, he seems completely unable to resist a request for help. Whenever I find an additional chore needing to be done, and I would like for him to do it, I simply tell him that I need his help and then explain why. Kids feel appreciated, rather than obligated, because they are choosing to be helpful.